None shall pass...

Of my current position at my job. I will be moving on to something better with greater opportunities. Since the start of my employment over 2 years ago, I made it my number one priority to network within and show the skills I have to offer in a wide variety of departments. No success, just been looked over and pushed aside. Until today, the last day. Today is the day that my skills are noticed and praised. Great.

This is what happened before my recognition…

My boss’s boss came to say good bye to me just a moment ago. We said are thanks yous and good byes but then something very very odd happened. She just stood in my office looking at me, for like 5 minutes. 5 minutes isn’t a large amount of time by any means but when it’s an awkward silent 5 minutes, those 5 minutes seem to last forever. She just stood in the doorway of my office with this look on her face of wonder like she was trying to figure out an impossible mathematical equation. I wasn’t throwing any pop quizzes so this made me uncomfortable. I had to act quickly, for if I didn’t we would have accidentallylocked eyes which would have led to a long horrible battle of the strangest staring contest ever. Like a veteran ninja I covertlyredirected my attention to my computer. She was determined to figure out this math equation as she continued to just stand there. My ninja powers drained I only had one power move left, I picked up the phone and pretended to call a different department. Once the dust settled from my last and most powerful attempt she stood tall and strong. My fake conversation was through so I hung up the phone, I looked up, she smiled, and then walked away. What the heck just happened? I’m writing this so that you, the reader/friend, can see a glimpse to what I deal with on a daily basis.

1 hour later…

Awkward math solving looking boss lady came back to ask me if I were interested in working for IT. She’s going to contact some of the managers she knows to get me involved in the growing department. Awesome. Let’s hope this was the equation she was desperately working on and let’s hope she has found a solution.

I was dating this very hot blonde thang. We ended up living together but she brought some baggage with her that ended my love for her. That baggage was her mother. Her mom was the biggest bitch I have ever met in my life. My ex’s whole family loved me but her mom, not so much. She was an old fat single bitter woman that hated the fact that her daughter had found someone that treated her very well and could give her the life she deserved. Bitch bitch bitch. LOL. Ok so I ended up resenting my ex because of the way she let her mom treat me and fell out of love with her. Problem was we lived together, I worked near by, friends and family too far, and I had nowhere to go. Plus I think deep down inside I had hope that one day she’d tell her mom to shut the fuck up. I needed a way out, just wasn’t looking for one. My ex’s coworker one Friday night was having a birthday party at her house and invited my ex, myself, and some of my guy friends to live’n up the party. Oh we turned that social bore fest into a party alright. The coworkers 1st mistakes was having a full bar and two kegs with no one really drinking any of it. My friends and I solved that problem real quick, to the point where party fouls were ensuing left and right. Some random girl even spilt her Miami Vice on my croth. A huge amount of drinks later, one of my friends “finds” a camera on the patio bar. We took our broty(bro+party) to the front of the house with said camera in hand. There, I start to relieve myself onto the tree, when my friend comes up with this great idea, completely joking, that we should take pictures of our balls and then put the camera back where he “found” it so when she looks at the pictures the next day she’s like “OMG WTF is this?! LMFAO”. Even though he was joking, I took it completely serious and gladly accepted the challenge. I mean I was wasted and already had my man meat out. So I turned around and took these beautiful, professional shots:

 http://i.imgur.com/YgZw7.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/yrV9K.jpg 

http://i.imgur.com/aOWcR.jpg 

Ohh yeah!! 

As soon as we’re finished taking these wonderful captures of my coin purse, my little angel pops up on my left shoulder and tells me to delete them off the camera because that was a bad idea. I was drunk and couldn’t figure out how to delete them one by one so I deleted the whole lot and put the camera back. 

1 week later. 

My ex and I had started to fight a lot recently which was very odd, we never fought. I new something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. Then one night after a very heated argument, she throws this at me “So would you like to explain to me as to why my whole office knows what your shit looks like?”….. my throat dropped and I became very hot. I just stood there with the most awkward look and silence. I looked for a way out of the conversation and the room but she had executed the perfect fighting ground position, I was trapped. I lifted my head from my chest to see what she was doing. She was looking at me with that “Well…..?” face, so I just started to laugh hysterically and said “You know that was pretty funny”. She was pissed and thought it was …. not funny. Not funny to the point that this was my way out.

So how did those pics get out if I deleted them? Right? And how did they know those beautiful baby shooters were mine? Well apparently Best Buy can restore deleted photos off an SD card for like $60 and the random girl who bumped into me with her drink and spilt it on my crotch, that was her camera and she remembered spilling her drink on my crotch and making a big deal about it. When she got back to work that Monday she sent an email out to the office with those picture and entitled with “Look what I found on my camera after the party on Friday”.

BOOM.

Pisses me off. Some of you know that when it comes to technology and consumer electronics, I know more than the average Joe. This doesn’t mean I walk around the streets with my glasses resting on my nose high in the sky wearing all sorts of geekdrobe like I’m better than everyone, which I am. I like to keep my Jedi knowledge to myself and those who will actually benefit or use the information I share with them. This too is not saying what I know is to be the very best information, but it is, available to the general public, but it’s the best you’ll be able to come across at that very moment of time, space and beyond.

Having said all of the above ^^^ I experienced this yesterday:

A coworker just bought a new laptop and asked me to get rid of all the preloaded clutter, set up routine maintenance and to put a secure security system, Norton & McAfee GTFO. As this coworker and I were having this one on one conversation, this water buffalo was eavesdropping and decided to interject. As she prepared to rudely jump into our conversation, the fat that surrounded her throat started convulsing as if it were warming up like a jet engine before take off. Once her throat fat warmed to the point that she was able to mover he cartoon dog Droopy like jowls, the words that constructed her sentences where just as bad as her eating habits.

“That’s why you should have got an Apple”, forced out of her mouth as she lost her breath taking two steps to our position.

I then looked at her, with the look all men give women when they say something stupid or try to act like they know what they’re talking about when they have no reason to be talking in the first place, saying, “And why should she have got an Apple?”

She replied, “Because Apples are the best. They don’t get viruses, they have the best programs, and they have the best specs. I bought my Macbook last year and it came preloaded with iPhoto which is just like Photoshop and you can do iChat which is free and the best. I would have spent a lot more money buying Windows than a Mac.” as she licked the remaining BBQ sauce from lunch off her nubby little fingers.

As my brain was trying to process what just came out of her mouth and into my ears, I dropped my head to my chest and took a deep breath and explained, “You’re wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. iPhoto is nothing like Photoshop or even comes close to it. iChat is not free and isn’t the best. Since your Macbook was purchased last year you had to pay $0.99, which is not free, for the app and it can only be used with other Apple products. The specs are good, not the best. Apple one ups their own product specs routinely, so each new line make the older one look 2-3 yrs out of date. Even the newer Macs lack the higher end specs. Oh and how much did you spend on your Macbook? $1200? And you would have spent more money on a Windows laptop with similar specs? Please tell me how? Does your Macbook have a Blu-ray drive? Over 250 GB of hdd? 4 GB of RAM? A decent graphics card? No, it doesn’t and if you bought a Windows laptop with those specs it would have been less than $800.”

She then choked out, “iPhoto is just like Photoshop. I’m taking classes on how to edit photos and organize my photos with it so I think I should know. Plus I’m still learning how to use it so I don’t even know all that my Macbook can do.”

“Jabba wrong again (she thought I said JabbaWockeeZ LOL). Like I said before, iPhoto is nothing like Photoshop and if you don’t even know how to use your Macbook than you shouldn’t be telling anyone how amazing it is. You probably just buy most of your things because it’s shinny and everyone else was getting one so you have to, not even knowing how it works first. Next time you decide to interrupt someone’s conversation to give your worthless opinion, make sure you know what you’re talking about so you don’t make yourself look like a complete idiot” I told her calmly pointing my finger at her as I walked away leaving no point for her to continue the conversation with me.

I should have just kept my mouth shut and let her continue her path of lemmingism.

We have automatic doors, towel dispensers, water spouts, toilet flushing, soap dispensers, lighting, thermostats, banking, bill pay, TV program recording, female self pleasuring apparatuses…. on and on. What we don’t have are automatic bathroom door locks. Sure there are safety concernswith this issue but I’m sure they can be worked out, not my job. There are many reasons why this should be invented and thrown into our daily lives, here are a few: 1. Old people have shitty memories. What better way to help out the elderly than to automatically lock the door for them and not have the possibility of humiliatingthem with an unfortunate encounter of someone walking in on them changing their diaper? 2. Germs. As a germaphobe, I don’t like touching, thinking, or looking at bathroom door locks. They’re gross. 3. Time is money. Companies would save money on their employees being time efficient while in the smell-a-torium. These are just some of the reasons of why automatologists need to get on this. Do you agree or disagree, or what else do you think should be automated for your lazy pleasures?!

This is Lucy, Godzilla, Peanutbutter, Mustard, Brown Bear, Moose, Goose, Monster. This is her story:

When I was 20 I had to do something that, still to this point of my life, was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. My childhood, life-friend had become very old and started to suffer with large amounts of pain. His name was Rufus. He was a purebred Golden Retriever that my family got when I was 9 years old. He was simply amazing. I have more memories with Rufus than I do with any person I can think of. Letting him go was one of the saddest days of my life.

Thank god I no longer look like that! I was an ugly duckling. Just look at how handsome I am now. Lol

ANYWAYS…..

On my 21st birthday party my father Cletus and sister Kayla picked up a puppy brindle pitbull. Cletus called me on his way back into town to show me his new puppy and met me at my party. I instantly fell in love with that little ball of muscle. My mother Judith has named every single one of our pets and she did with this one, the name Lucy. Judith said the puppy reminded her of Lucille Ball because of her color…. Now I remember I Love Lucy as being in black and white, then later in technicolor. Brindle is a mix of dark brown, gold orange and red. I don’t see it Judith. Nonetheless Lucy was her name and it fit. Cletus made it clear to me that this puppy was his and not mine. He said I was not allowed to spend time with her alone so that she wouldn’t pick me as her best friend. Lucy had other plans in mind.

Not soon after Lucy became part of our family, she became a huge part in my life. I moved out of my parent’s house and into a shack with my friend Mike. Within a couple months Cletus gave Lucy to me. From that moment on, she was mine and I was hers. Rufus will never be replaced in my heart, but Lucy is the greatest dog/friend I’ve had.

Fast forward 3 yrs into the future in the month of May. I’m now in school and living in a new house with 4 roommates. All of them older than me, all of them jobless, motivation-less and not in school. They were, are losers. Luckily the house was huge with a nice yard in the back for Lucy to run around in and the garage was climate controlled so when I wasn’t home I kept her safe from them in there. One day I was out and about and put Lucy in the garage. Apparently one of my roommates thought Lucy shouldn’t be in the garage and put her in the backyard. Shortly after that roommate was about to leave the house and broke her key in the lock of the front door. She had to leave through the back to keep the front door locked. On her way out through the gate she opened it wide enough and long enough for Lucy to get out. Instead of going after her to bring her back to the house, my roommate went back inside to find my number to call me so I could come and find Lucy. This made me unbelievably angry. I was more than 30 miles from the house. My roommate was 5 feet from where she let Lucy out. I drove as fast as I possibly could back to the house. When I got there my roommate was sitting on the couch on her computer…. To tell you what happened next is a whole different story. I spent the next 6 hours searching for my dog until the sun gave up and darkness came over the night and my heart. Lucy was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

3 months had passed. Not a single peep of where she could be. I had invited my old roommate Mike, from earlier, to come out for the weekend. After movie hopping all day we were making our way back to my house. For some reason I took a way home that I’ve never taken before through the country side. The sun had just fallen and the moon and headlights of cars were all that lit the roads. We came to a stop sign near and old postal office and in the corner of my right eye I saw a dark shadow moving across the intersection. I looked over to my right to make out this shadow and all that came out of my mouth was a silent cry, “Lucy”. I shook my head and yelled her name again, it was her. She was walking across the intersection like it was the day she was lost. Mike and I jumped out of the car and raced down the street screaming her name. Because we were so excited to see her, we scared her away into the open fields and into the dark. We jumped back into the car and went down every road for hours. Just as we were about to give up I was making a u-turn on a single lane country road. As I made the u-turn 3/4 of the way in I ran out of road and had to stop. As I stopped the headlights of the car shined on the dark open field in front of us. In the middle of our view Lucy was starring us straight in the eyes. We jumped out of the car again and again scared her away. She was gone, again.

2 weeks before Christmas I get a phone call while at work, it was Judith. She asked me how it would make me feel if she got a call that Lucy was found and was ok. My eyes instantly filled with tears. She gave me the phone number to a family that said they had her. I called them, got their address and left work. The family said Lucy had been hanging around their property for about 3 months. She would never get close enough for them to touch her but would always play with their dog. The told me that they also left food out for her because they knew she was hungry. Their son was able to pet her one day and got our phone number from her tags. As I drove into the neighborhood I noticed it was in the same area where we saw Lucy 3 months prior. It made me think deep down she knew it was me looking for her that day and didn’t want to leave the area. As I pulled up into their driveway Lucy recognized the noise of my car right away. She curiously made a large circle around the yard starring at me. I opened the door and stepped out saying her name as I started to cry. She heard my voice and bolted to the car. She leaped at least 5 feet away into my arms, licking me to death. I found her.

This was the greatest Christmas present I have ever received. Lucy is now completely spoiled and loved to no end.

All the presents you see here are all hers that Christmas and she deserved them.

…..my professor is an asshole

The Revolution of The Fatties: Every year the new year brings people to a point in their life where they reevaluate themselves and try to make a change, a resolution. 40% of adults make New Year’s resolutions. Corollary; within 5 months 46% of said 40% have kept up with their promise, to themselves. Most are to get back into shape and start going to the gym on a regular basis. These are life changing goals that can lead to a better, healthier life. Now I’m not one to judge anyone for their weight or how healthy they are, but when I go to the gym the week after NYE and there are water buffaloes hogging all the weights and machines I can’t help but remind them they’re going to fail.

They’re going to fail at getting in shape and go back to the couch potato lazy person they are. Yes I’m sure they’re beautiful on the inside and have wonderful personalities, but that doesn’t help me out when I have to wait for their dreams to expire just so I can enjoy my time at the gym. They’re at every corner of the gym sucking up all the precious oxygen and soaking the equipment with their salty diaphoretic bodies. They come in packs and use the gym as social hour and not get fucking healthy for once in your life you fat bastards hour. So please, if you make a NY’s resolution…. keep it. This way we will never have to see the migration of The Fatties to the gym for the winter. Thank you.

A “friend”, if you will, asked me what I got the SO for Christmas. I told her the items and one of them happened to be a pair of UGG boots. Once the word UGGs came(lol) out of my mouth she completely shifted into this non materialistic, non superficial super woman. As she rudely interrupted me saying, “Don’t you know UGGs are made from Lambskin?” I replied with, “No I don’t.. I know they’re made from sheepskin.” This made her furious, that I wasn’t taking her serious. Well here’s the deal… If you’re going to start an argument with me, the smartest man alive, then you better have the correct data to the subject at hand and sources to back up your accusations. After I explained the difference of lambs to sheeps she continued her self-righteous need to convince me to not buy fur products. She used the “They’re innocent animals that don’t deserve to die!” line on me. Now this woman is a religious woman as well, abundant of bible verses. So I went biblical on here ass. Genesis Chapter 1 Verse 28: “…. rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground” Verse 21: “The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them”. She then stepped back and looked at me with a face only a mother could love. I shouted “BIBLED!” and walked away. She obviously didn’t stop there, she followed me like a weak animal behind it’s master blurting out things I couldn’t even start to explain. I did catch at the very end of her rant that she would never hurt an animal for any reason. This made me go back for the FATALITY. “Do you eat beef? chicken? pork? fish? eggs?”, I shot at her with a mighty thrust(lol). “Well that’s different, we need those animals to survive.”, she replied with a worried look of defeat. *FINISH HIM!!* “Well my SO needed these boots to keep her feet warm during this hellacious winter that is upon us. I looked at various types of boots and came to the conclusion that these would best suit her cold feet dilemma. Thus providing the right amount of warmth for her toesies that she would not catch pneumonia and die, needs them! “Your” God gave us animal skin to do with how we please. Well it pleased my SO to the max and then she pleased me to the MAX. So as long as this awesome cycle continues I don’t see any change in the near future. I said good day!”

We shall see how this goes. I have a lot to say, just a matter if people want to hear it. I am very opinionated but usually keep it bottled in. Hopefully this will allow me to express myself more. For those who are interested to get to know who I really am, I think this is a start. Good luck to you all and God helps us. Muhahahaha!